Alfie Noakes wasn't born he was knitted! Garaged overnight in
a lock-up in the Outer Hebrides, Alfie is only let out during daylight
hours. Nobody knows why but TERRIBLE SCREAMS have been heard emanating
from the garage in Achiltibandybendy. There have also been a number
of mysterious bin-rakings reported around the islands (although
this might just be seagulls).
Bass guitar wasn't Alfie's original instrument although it is for
this that he is now world renowned. Mr Noakes actually started
up as a caramelhorn player (like a flugelhorn but made entirely
of toffee instead of flugels). Obviously the side effect of this
is that the more you play the caramelhorn the fatter you get (reputedly
a gigantic 123 stones!) so Alfie was forced to switch instruments
for the sake of his health and suspension springs. Alfie nows weighs
in at a very trim 121 stones and will shortly be publishing his
revolutionary new eating plan* in book and DVD format.
Alfie enjoys whistling and can often be found at the top of high
mountains taming eagles to fly down and steal toupees which he
then uses to manufacture those fake cats that they sell in gift
shops. You know, the ones that look like they've been killed on
the road then stuffed.
The Alfie Noakes "Fat Bass - Funk Your Gelatinous Waddling
Ass!" plan will not be available at any good bookshops as
the British Medical Council are currently pursuing Mr Noakes through
the courts regarding some of his methods and claims.