The Bunky Freeks

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Alfie Noakes wasn't born he was knitted! Garaged overnight in a lock-up in the Outer Hebrides, Alfie is only let out during daylight hours. Nobody knows why but TERRIBLE SCREAMS have been heard emanating from the garage in Achiltibandybendy. There have also been a number of mysterious bin-rakings reported around the islands (although this might just be seagulls).
Bass guitar wasn't Alfie's original instrument although it is for this that he is now world renowned. Mr Noakes actually started up as a caramelhorn player (like a flugelhorn but made entirely of toffee instead of flugels). Obviously the side effect of this is that the more you play the caramelhorn the fatter you get (reputedly a gigantic 123 stones!) so Alfie was forced to switch instruments for the sake of his health and suspension springs. Alfie nows weighs in at a very trim 121 stones and will shortly be publishing his revolutionary new eating plan* in book and DVD format.
Alfie enjoys whistling and can often be found at the top of high mountains taming eagles to fly down and steal toupees which he then uses to manufacture those fake cats that they sell in gift shops. You know, the ones that look like they've been killed on the road then stuffed.

*N.B. The Alfie Noakes "Fat Bass - Funk Your Gelatinous Waddling Ass!" plan will not be available at any good bookshops as the British Medical Council are currently pursuing Mr Noakes through the courts regarding some of his methods and claims.

 
 
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